Sitting in the car after a long day parked in my driveway, gazing at the stars…we had a heart to heart. “What are you afraid of child?” He asked me.
“I’m afraid that I’ll never amount to anything! That all the work I’ve done is in vain and that there is nothing but misery ahead!”
“Who told you that?’
“All the signs lead to that! You haven’t answered any of my questions! Why did you bring us here? We’re drowning in the sea of possibility and we don’t know what to do!”
Who am I, Peter? The sea? Yes, the sea. That’s what I felt I was standing on. Up until that point I had kept a pretty positive attitude, but now I was pulling a Peter and I was looking in the wrong direction. Part of me thinks I held it together for my husband and my family-but some of it was pride as well. I don’t want other people to know that I am completely out of control.
“I’m completely out of control.”
“That’s right where I WANT you! Completely out of control.
“Why would you want that? I feel so helpless, so ashamed and so worthless.”
Like my idea of controlling my own life amounts to my worth. I don’t even know where to start! It’s just the thought that makes me feel powerful…and powerless at the same time.
“Are you willing to grow?” he asked me.
“Well yes!” came my quick reply.
“Then it’s going to hurt!”
“Does it have to? Why?!” I was angry now. I understood growing pains, but I felt I deserved a break. I’d learned this lesson, hadn’t I? Apparently not…
“I want to use you.”
“Then USE me!”
“You’re not ready to be used!”
Well that hurt.
“Aren’t you listening? I’m ready to be used! That why I’m where I am! That’s why I’m doing what I’m doing. I want to be used. Use me.”
“I will. And I AM. Will you trust me? Will you let me?”
Tears streamed down my face, freely now. I felt relief even in my lack of understanding.
“So this is what it means to be still and know…”
“That I AM God? Yes, this is what it means.”
After sitting at his feet and in his arms, he said,
“Come, I want to show you something.”
I took his hand and he helped me to my feet. He took me at a safe pace holding my hand all the while. I felt peace as we walked along, then in a moment, there was fear again, right there beside me. I didn’t want to tell him, I didn’t want him to know I was again afraid.
“Hold my hand,” he said.
What? Noticing, I had forgotten, I took it again. I looked into his eyes again, and I said,
“Where are we? I don’t feel safe here. Are you sure this is the right place?”
“This is my home and these are my children. Feed them, clothe them, teach them, and love them.”