Let’s talk about being in ministry. No really, let’s talk. I don’t care about what you’re doing, what you’re building, what you’re accomplishing. How are you?
I guess I’ll start. I’m hurting. I’m wounded. I’m tired and I’m afraid of it all. I’m afraid to go back and I want to hide from it all. I’ve been burned….but, I’m experiencing healing.
He’s taken me in His strong shepherd arms, and He’s carrying me. He’s teaching me, He’s counseling me, He’s instructing me, and it’s comforting.
Every morning I’ve just had the opportunity to sit at his feet and be that little girl again. That little girl that’s one desire and fascination was know him better -before all the responsibility of life and human pride set in. He has patiently each day slowly and gently pointed out to me where I’ve gone astray-how i’ve become someone in ministry that has missed the whole point of dying to self. I certainly have been dying….for life. I’ve been so depressed trying to find my worth in serving others….for self. Not for them, and certainly not out of my overflowing love for God.
I have a confession, an ugly, awful, contagious virus I’ve been captive to- bitterness. I have memories of a time in my life that are coupled with fear and anger. Fear that it will happen again and anger that I ever had the experience in the first place. Now as He is gently saying, “Will you trust me?” I keep thinking- “God, I have no idea if this is right. How will I know? I missed it last time. Take care of me! I can handle any more! ”
I keep seeking a place of “comfort”. I keep thinking no place will be good enough and I’m right. No place on earth will be safe from pain and sin. We’re going to get burned no matter where we go-especially if we’re following God, because we’re a threat to the enemy. I keep saying “I didn’t fail” but I live and pray differently because if I really believed that God hadn’t failed me and that I hadn’t failed either-I don’t think I would be so afraid to trust him to lead me into the unknown…again.
When I really believe and begin to live like it’s not about a title, a resume, experience, how much I’m cared for or appreciated…I start to get a glimpse again of who I am to be. I start to get a glimpse again of what the gospel means…for those who believe it. Dying to self….I start to understand again what that means and why when I’m not-I feel like I’m barely living. How can we ever live life to the fullest if our main concern is being comfortable?
What if we really approached life/ jobs etc. asking (and learning to actually mean) “Where and how can God best use me and grow me and change me?”
Oh that I would learn to live this way even when I can’t see how and why he leads me in certain directions…even when I don’t see or understand the benefits and may never see them in this life….I trust You God, because no matter how beaten down or bruised I become, nothing is more powerful than YOU and YOUR love and care for me.
Oh me of little faith and a big head.