Whatever My Lot

Thou hast taught me to say it is well with my soul…

A continuous thorn in my side is my struggle with depression. I can’t explain it, can’t find a cure for it, but I know one thing: it keeps me in a constant state of dependance on the Almighty. I find myself once again struggling to see spring at the end of winter, the light at the end of a tunnel…the weekend at the end of a long hard week…however you want to say it, that is the feeling I have. One of the most lonely parts of this is wondering if there is anyone that can relate?

I find myself on my knees again in a humble state of surrender. Ok, Lord, take it back. I’m a hoarder when it comes to my will. Very selfish. What do YOU want from me?

I’m struck with feelings of panic, feelings of helplessness along with a desperate feeling of wanting to get out of the pit that I feel trapped in. I know that I want help and that somehow gives me hope. I speak aloud the truth of my King. I speak His name and am reminded of His love for me. I surround myself with prayer warriors near and far and ask them to fight for me, knowing right now I can’t fight for myself.

“For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

“Therefore my dear brothers’ and sisters, stay true to the Lord. I love you and long to see you, dear friends for you are my joy and the crown I receive for my work. …4 Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again-rejoice! Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon. Don’t worry about anything. Instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank Him for what He has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds any anything we can understand. His peace will guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. And now, one final thing: fix your eyes on what is true and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Continue putting into practice all that you have learned and received from me- everything you heard me say and saw me doing. Then the peace of God will be with you.” Phil. 4:1, 4- 9

I focus my posture to set my eyes on things that are excellent and praise worthy. Then I rejoice in the King whom I serve.

I choose to rejoice today. Not to be fake, but also not to be half hearted in anything the Lord sets before me to do. I choose joy because I know what is coming. I choose love because no one has ever deserved it but He gave it anyway. Therefore, I will continue to put into practice all that I have learned from Him. Everything I heard him say and saw Him doing. And do you know what? That peace is with me now. It’s a promise and I’m living proof.

It is well with my soul.


3 thoughts on “Whatever My Lot

  1. There are plenty of other who have the same thorn on the side as you, Autumn. I KNOW what it's like to go through the battles of being dependent on the almighty. But, it just makes us humble again. Yes, there are days when I wonder if people don't have to go through the pain in order to get back on their needs. If you need anything, I'm here.


  2. I am a Crown alum and heard you speak a few years ago when I came to visit when you were the student chaplain. I was hosted by someone who thought of you as a mentor and a dear friend. Now, I am a student at a public state university. I saw that you visited my blog. Your posts make my heart warm and remind me of some of the things I have and still do deal with. Blessings.


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